Sick of hurting....every. gods. damned. day.

 I, A Divided Man In Time

Having never done this before --aside from posting some forgotten scribing on here, or somewhere else,

I guess I'll start off hard and see where this goes.

I am sick of being alive. I've felt this way since the birthday I turned 18, sat there and asked myself, "What are you going to do with the rest of your life?" Unbidden, a voice in my mind spoke back, "...Now that it's half over."

This shook my to my core, 36 short years. I had dealt with that nagging clock, and when I turned 36, I was almost relieved that it was going to end. I waited, on my 36th birthday, at the start of 2007.

Nothing happened, and for once I was glad to be alive. I had a girlfriend/fiancee; we had moved in together, and were considering our possibilities, marriage, a family, growing old together. We laughed that I would become that 'dirty old man' and she would be my 'eye-rolling-yet-smiling-gilf.'

Almost two decades later, post-marriage. The kids are teenagers, and don't need me. The freshly-minted ex, is cordial --making it so much worse.

During this --surprisingly short, divorce process, I have considered buying a gun or going to a rent-a-gun firing range and blowing my brains out, driving off an overpass without my seatbelt. Why don't I do it?

JUST FUCKING DO IT! Aha...but what if I survive?? Then I'm fucked, and stuck in a broken body, incapable of wiping my own ass. That fear....fuck, I can't stand the idea of people looking at me, disabled feeble, and unable to do anything right.

Every. DAMNED day, I'm praying to any gods that are listening for them to fucking LET ME DIE. End it already.

Then I meet a woman. We started talking around Thanksgiving, chatting online (FB Dating), and eventually traded numbers two days later. She was treated like garbage, and unloved, practically untouched by 3 men, the first never made her feel loved, the second was by far the most decent, broke her heart because he discovered that he was gay, and then there's number three, the worst of them. He used her as a financial institution --to fund his flailing business ventures, and then cheated on her with other men, apparently he was gay too.

I told her about myself, some of the things we all share about life; we eventually engaged in serious adult talks, and I told her that I had had a vasectomy. She seemed particularly interested in that. She told me  that she hadn't been with a man in 3 years, and how she needed to be touched, not just sexually, but ALL of her.

She told me of her soul mourning wish that someone would touch her and make her feel desired, and not just make love to her but to make her feel cherished.

We got together on December 1st at a local restaurant, and I could see she was a larger woman, a whole inch taller or more too. I chose to see where this would go anyway, and charmed her -- because she deserved to feel chased and desired. We had a nice time talking over dinner. As we talked, I found myself being drawn in, enjoying the processes of flirting and verbal teasing. 

We ended up in my apartment kissing, and caressing. She told me that she doesn't do this kind of thing normally, but the fact that I had a vasectomy --and divorced after being with the same woman for as long as I had been, enabled her to feel free with me. There were no dangers of pregnancy, or venereal disease, and she could enjoy whatever happened.

I didn't hold back, I treated her like a wilted desert rose, and I was the spring rain. Her reactions were intense, and I had never had a woman enjoy the things I did like this before - EVER. She didn't know what a true orgasm felt like. Knew nothing of he own body in that aspect. I treated her like a goddess, and began enjoying her. I felt happy that I made someone feel that good, and in turn I felt appreciated and that I was actually good in bed, and worth something to someone. She was good in bed too, and I told her how good she was, how amazing she felt.

We got together on December 1st, then again on the 2nd, then again on the 7th and 8th (spent the night), the 13th, and then the 14th. We had sex multiple times, and cuddled and I touched her as much as I could.

I think I fell head over heels for her. She's intelligent, funny, a beauty to behold with her face in ecstasy, and she makes me feel so good about myself. She's also from another world, a political one, a chief of staff for one of the state senators, and a very conservative, christian (apparently not in the bedroom), but she had that reputation of being a hard-core christian conservative, based her whole career around it, and I think she's realized that she's trapped in a sense. I didn't care about politics, I just wanted to be with her and love her.

I wrote love prose to her. I truly thought she would enjoy my self-expression.  All this past week December 16 - 22nd, she barely acknowledged my texts. I talked to her yesterday, and she told me that I wasn't a good match for her in the context of a long term relationship. I was a little hurt by that, but didn't read the queue card that she was flashing and said something to the effect of, 'You never know.' and 'We'll see where things go.' That's not what she wanted. She wanted to maintain her independence, while exploring her new-found sexuality. 

Am I the only man who's heart steamrolls over his brains when having sex?

It doesn't fucking matter.

We had a long discussion, and I told her that if she no longer wishes to see me, I would respect her decision, and that all she has to do is tell me and I would never bother her again. I'm still waiting for a response, but I am pretty sure it's over. I really felt deep --possibly love, for her.

So here I am again, wishing to die, and thinking about doing it again. Like every gods damned day, only it hurts worse now. I AM GETTING SO FUCKING TIRED OF PAIN.

I could have loved her so much...I do. Damn my fool heart!

I didn't think it would happen so soon after my divorce (Sept '24).

All I had to do was keep my damned mouth shut and let her figure it out for herself. I have to start getting ready for bed, got to get up at 5:15am and go to work.

Maybe, I will die naturally (heart attack/stroke) and I can rest, finally.

If I write more, I'm not quite dead yet.

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You have been notified. I honestly don't even know, wtf this is all about.