Well, I'm still here, and she hasn't said anything to me after I told her that 'All she has to do is say that she never wants to see me again, and I would leave her alone, and never bother her again.'
No reply. She's doing one of three things, thinking about it, still pissed, or taking the coward's way out (ignoring or too scared --not of me, but of the emotions to reply).

I had a hard day (emotionally) at work, I wanted to die, but my body just kept going.
I saved every text from her, every line written, all the pics too (no not nudes, I never asked for that, and doubt she would have sent them anyway).

I don't know why I am suddenly so enamored by her. Was it the way she tasted, smelled, or looked when I made love to her? The way she gasped and said my name in ecstacy? All of it? Probably.

I'm desperately trying to stop myself from texting her, and I doubt she'll text me back anyway.

Maybe she's enacting some latent revenge thing, treating someone as she was treated. She seemed awfully keyed up when I was seeing if she wanted to come over last weekend, I jokingly said "Come on over, it'll be fun, come on." I guess that's where she thinks I was 'trying to manipulate' her. I reread her text, she was saying this relationship was never going to be long term, and she didn't see me as a good match for a long term partner, and I kept saying that it could happen or some dipshit thing.

I guess I need to move on, but wow. That hurt.

I am literally hurting like I was when my (then) wife filed for divorce and I tried to win her back. I'm just a piece of shit, wipe and throw me away.

Tomorrow, we're working for half a day, and then I get to spend the rest of that time --through Christmas, alone. I might buy a gun....but have to wait for 3 gods damned days. I could do the firing range thing and rent a .357, or a .44, or best of all, a desert eagle. The 'Deagle' is a .50 caliber, and will blow my head to smithereens. I dunno, I might wait, but it's there EVERY SINGLE DAY. I want out.

This time I am really alone. I break down and cry sometimes. I feel no joy, or hope. My body is a cage, and I cannot escape it.

I had an ache in my chest earlier at work, and I thought to myself, "Yes, please, please, let it end!" I wasn't afraid, and nothing happened. I need to head to bed. I still have to get up and feed the corporate beast, and get paid @$15 per hour...but I'm one of the lucky ones who is employed. 

Good night to anyone reading this.

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